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where'd all the cheese go?
Written on: Monday, March 30, 2009
its stake, not stick.Time: 11:28 PM air pee ter me, not air pee tome. corn, not econs. fizz, not physics. muacks or macks or max but never maths. That was a cover-up of sorts for what I really wanted to write about, which as on many occasions, I strongly discourage you from reading; I just wanna write it somewhere where I know at least someone will read, whoever that stranger may be. Yeah cos I wouldn't stop reading myself. Whatever it is, I beg of you not to get worried or whatever, and don't try to 'make me feel better' or anything, cos I really don't take well to empty words. If you truly care, I appreciate it but there's no need to express it. A lot of times I get the impression that: 1) some people are not happy with what I've become or where I've gone Somehow I sometimes get negative vibes from some people; it's as though they are concentrating so hard on their unhappiness towards something, that I can taste it without them mentioning it. As though they think I don't deserve what I've gotten, they think they're better, would have done a better job, or just think I'm incapable. I could be well wrong, over-sensitive and may have misinterpreted many things. 2) some others think of me so lowly blah blah blah Yeah I know I was a loser back in sec 1 and 2, I hate those years myself (hahahhaha in fact I laugh at myself). Well maybe not hate, its too strong a word; rather I'm not so proud of what and who I was back then. Without the intention of sounding egoistic, I must say I know I've changed a lot. Even if I am not the kinda person I wanna be, I sure have come a hell of a long way. But it just seems that some people still look at me as that loser I was, maybe I still am in some ways who knows (its kinda fun wondering heh), and they can't accept what I am now. It bugs me because, assuming I'm wrong again, I know I'm right in saying that I've gotta work on my self-esteem. I think I'm too insecure; but not without reason. Many people say, or even imply that I'm smart, or capable, or whatever. Thank you, every one of you, cos you may not know how these small things matter to me (wahh then maybe I'm also a very trivial person! Or give too much attention to details! Ah what the heck I don't really give a shit now heh), but sometimes it gets hard for me to convince myself that I really am. A lotta times I just can't help but feel dumb when I try my best to get something but just can't. I try, I really do, but sometimes I'm not even good at trying. Well the good part is that I'm not ready to give up. Hell I'll never give up cos that's what wusses (my word) do and I sure am not a wuss. I'm nuts. N-V-T-S NUTS. Still! That doesn't diminish the fact that I'm acutely lousy at some things but better at some others. Yeah we've all got our flaws, no one's perfect, blah blah blah, but I haven't come to terms with why things happen the way they are, and why I'm doing what I am. Its during these times when my confidence suddenly swells (ya lah idiot Confidence come and go as you please) and I'm sure as I can be that I will pull through and be a great person or something. Then I look at myself, where I am in my life, and suddenly I'm afraid that I'm not doing enough, or even the right thing, to get where I need to be. I've convinced myself that there will be a point in time where each one of us will have to put in a monumental amount of effort in doing something that lies on the verge of insanity, just to get that break and start our journey along the upward curve... thingy. I can't help but try to figure out what it is I have to do, because I'm unsure I can take the same route as everyone else. Put explicitly, I'm unsure if I can excel academically now, get to a good university, do something useful that I like, get out to the working world and start a good real life. At this point everything may sound very muddled, but that's how it goes through my head. Maybe that's why people sometimes have trouble adjusting to my frequency heh. Whatever it is, it's been playing in my mind for way too long, and I've been taking steps, but steps too small. I know I gotta do something, but how and what remain hidden in the fog. Then I disengage, look at everything I have and already am, and feel thankful for what He has given me. He has helped me out countless times, has brought joy to my darkest times, and has lifted the burden off my chest when I quiver under the collective weight of my problems. I have faith that He'll show me the right path, and that my efforts will not go to waste. I must never forget, and never let these thoughts trouble me as so. must must must. weyyyyoooooo
Written on: Sunday, March 22, 2009
Time: 10:44 PM geedit geedit? its damn cool right, the concept, execution and presentation. talk less read more now bye aku dah nak tido ni
Written on: Saturday, March 21, 2009
Wth lah I checked my statcounter and some jenius (this is my word! But I'll share with everyone else cos that's the right thing to do. DAMN. ) searched for 'nestle cococrunch game', and landed on my blog.Time: 1:31 AM NESTLE COCOCRUNCH GAME?! WTF?! I tried searching it myself, and noooooo, no sign of my blog. Its a conspiracy, I just know it. There are people out there who exist purely to satisfy the balance of normal and kental. Yall be careful. At this juncture I think it is only appropriate that I talk about this shampoo: This oh wan oh korred, deee, uh, Forrow Mi shampu. Ho, hittis uh weri nais smerro. Like a green-o tea-oh. Entah uh I didn't really smell the green tea (how bout chocolate milk shampoo next time? BETTER STILL! BROWNIES! Then you can smell your hair the whole day and buat muka selenger) but I sure as hell liked the smell. And believe it or not, this strange concoction actually made my hair softer. Kinda, not that I care. Point is, its my hair. Yes, the stuff that grows on my head that was, at one point in my miserable life (cheyyy) harvested to make steel wool sponges, the ones you use to scrub your pots. I was thinking uh, and it appears that Physics and me just don't go that well together. Its like a girl I'm not meant to be with! I'm damn philosophical right, I know. If all else fails, my backup plan in life is to go around confusing people with filoshizz and they'll pay me to stop. Ahhh tido ah. today i had a ba na na na. for breakfast, PLUS! more.
Written on: Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Last night I was damn happy! I wanted to blog about it but I only remembered after clicking Shut Down!Time: 10:11 PM I walked into the room (to study. STUDY. see that word, I like it.) and my mom said: "Fawaz I think you're broader now." "Fawaz I think you're broader now." "Fawaz I think you're broader now." "Fawaz I think you're broader now." YESSSSSSSSSS. Because: Mak: When you walked into the room I expected to see this (hands raised to describe Width 1), but instead I saw this (hands moved further apart, describing Width 2) when I looked up. I thought I completely blocked off the light of something, but this is good enough! FINALLY, after years of toiling at the gym, ripping iron of the ground, lifting and pushing bars (cheyyy how overly self-indulgent), I'm getting some results I've really wanted for a long time. And in other news, my dad thinks he can be the next American Idol cos somehow his comments were damn in line with the judges' (especially Simon). Amazing uh, how he shouts 'OUT!' two words into the song. And no, he doesn't watch the show online first. Its pure instinct and sheer grit, I hope I inherited some hahaha. Plus he's got a theory about American Idol voters: "It's ALL just the INDIANS." I'm proud to be a member of this household, and I think this is a very appropriate time for me to get the hell away from the computer and get back to my books cos its FOUR FANTASTIC DAYS to CTs. FOUR. YOU SEE THAT? FOUR. Somehow I'm not really panicky, is that good? Yeah it is cos I want it to be HAHAH. (insert)
Written on: Monday, March 16, 2009
Time: 1:57 AM what a b u m m e r (each letter's a link) I was lookin' forward to this movie. Thanks for being such a disappointment. Oh wait I'm used to that. Hahahahhaha this has been unnecessarily pessimistic and life-draining just cos I CAN make it so meeeeeehehehehueheuheuhehehehahahahhaha. This is the feeling of troo powahhh. zzzttmwhoaseriouskeper!
Time: 1:10 AM
I dunno what is wrong with me! I've been sleeping like a baby at for hours on end every other hour (if that's even physically possible) and I still oversleep and feel tired and thtuff.I've been missing waaaaaaaaay to much gum! I mean gym! I'm SHRINKING! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! You know what, maybe I'm just gonna go sleep aaaaaaahahahahahahahahahhaa not like this, no
Written on: Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Firstly! NAPFA came and left so damn unexpectedly, I didn't perform like i wanted, but whatever its over to HELL WITH IT! WOOHOO!Time: 10:06 PM And today is one of the few occasions where I can say I'm hot cos I've got a fever hahahah. So I spent the entire afternoon sleeping at the solat room, joined by lotsa friends, the only constant was me HAH. But I'm a little disappointed that my sore throat didn't reach the 'sexy voice' stage hehehehe. Yaknow, when your voice gets damn deep and raspy. Cool siak. And I'd like to comment on the behaviour of the J1s; well they've started studying their asses off. Like the whole frickin library's packed with J1s, dalah some of them tak mandi... BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. I think its good that they're already serious at this point of their school life; just because our batch was still kinda playing around, doesn't mean they should. People like me messed up big time and I'm glad my juniors are a hell lot smarter than I was (well who isn't heh). So I think we shouldn't be so selfish, eh seniors? Stop making fun of them for doing what's good. ME WANTS ME MONEY BAKK! THAT AD IS PLAYING NOW! eleh short version. weak uh... Eeeee kencing tak cebok... Eeeeee kencing, cebok tapi tak cuci tangan! EEEEE KENCING CEBOK DAH CUCI TANGAN TAPI TAK ZIP. Sialah wth was that about... NOTHING'S WRONG WITH ME! I SWEAT! perception, identity and insecurities
Written on: Monday, March 09, 2009
Time: 10:25 PM I think I'm very childish. Am I? Is there anything wrong with that? :/ :( thank you tv
Time: 4:07 AM
I had planned on laying down right smack in the middle of the hall, so my mom can kick me when its time to wake up.But then I remembered the trailer for The Unborn, which I saw an hour ago; damn perfect timing lah, step out into the hall and that's on the TV. And I couldn't help but stand there like an idiot. Now I think I'm scared to lie down in the hall. I dunno, I gotta consult my manliness. Shit lah why do Sunday nights/Monday earlymornings have to be so hard. you tie my tongue when i want to speak
Written on: Thursday, March 05, 2009
I think I kinda overreacted today on my way out of class, cos this J1 class was HAPPILY streaming in when a few of us were trying to get out. So I had the time of my life shouting something like this:Time: 11:06 PM EH move it lah we wanna get out. MOVE! OI! NEVER TAKE MRT BEFORE UH! You gotta move so people can get out. And I went on for however long it took for me to get out of the room, stopping twice to say hi to Filzah and Nick (hahah sempat seh), and I had especially enjoyed the way the crowd split ala Moses and what he did to the sea lol. Apparently my dumbass behaviour silenced the whole class hahahah it felt so good yet so bad but sitll so ARGH! I think I'm losing it. I think I've made everything a whole lot more confusing for myself, I wish I could sort things out. Sometimes I don't read very well. cold nights
Written on: Monday, March 02, 2009
Yesterday my brothers and I were having a conversation with my Mom out in the hall when suddenly my Dad kinda rushed out of his room and ran to the TV, and started fumbling to turn it on. So we were like eh wth? He finally got it on to Channel 5; he wanted us to see 007's balls get whipped hahahaha.Time: 10:39 PM And what followed was a very interesting conversation lol. It's a few days late but I still have to express my satisfaction over how our dikir performance turned out. It wasn't perfect, but our hard work paid off and the crowd thoroughly enjoyed our show... i think. Hope. Should be uh. Yeah should be lol. Tomorrow is my NAPFA test = today I have to get enough sleep because I have had way too many days with unenough (eh why isn't that word underlined?) sleep. I am a baby. Yes I am, and I need plenty of sleep. I need to rest, grow, and generally, just sleep. I was very grouchy today. Not exactly high like other days, but really REALLY grouchy. I don't know why, or maybe I do? Not enough sleep? Then I look into myself at that void, and I keep quiet. Not because I don't know what to do, but because half of me is hoping that it's not what I think it is. I guess words never really work, do they? |
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