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therealshard
say: fawaz as complete as it gets
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convince myself of WHAT
Written on: Monday, April 27, 2009
The day I got my PSLE results, my father, who doesn't usually go to great lengths to express his love, actually hugged me. He hugged me and he was really happy, you could have seen that from miles away. The rest of my family too, they were all real proud of me.Time: 1:25 AM And there I was still stunned inside, for I never expected to do so well. In the early years of my school life I performed well, but my performance kinda dipped later, before I picked myself up, somehow, at PSLE. But that also meant that the next 6 years of my life had already been laid out in front of me. My sixth year will come to an end very soon, and it is a blatant fact that my academic performance thus far has been more than disappointing. Sometimes I tried, tried harder, tried my ass off, gave up or did just enough, but a lot of times I failed. It's pathetic, but sometimes a pass can bring a smile to my face. Yes you read that right, Fawaz doesn't see many passes on his papers. I've never tried excusing myself, but I know I've not always put in my best effort. How can I when so many things go against what I believe in or want? My parents have always wanted me to be happy, and never regret my decisions. I look back on my past now, and I don't regret anything. So my parents say if I'm happy, they're happy. I'm not that naive, you know it, but I love you for saying that anyway. How can my parents tell anyone they're proud of me, without risking getting insulted or something. They've got little to show; let's see what they can: I'm not short, a little muscular, and I speak relatively well. Oh and I can listen very well. I was the ASM of NCC in my secondary days, and I'm now the president of a club. So that's all, isn't it? No matter how many achievements of mine people can cite, nothing changes the fact that academically, my report papers are an embarrassment and should be burnt if possible. I know I did my best for most of my papers but do you know how guilty and stupid and embarrassed I felt when I had to show my parents my progress report? Because even trying your best isn't enough when everyone else is soaring a million times higher. When am I going to do something that my parents can talk about. They say they're proud of me, I know they are, but I feel that I'm of little worth. Just another shiny star maybe, nice to look at but useless. Yeah maybe I've inspired some, maybe I've helped others, indirectly or not, but I just can't shake the feeling that a lot of these successes were handed to me. I was made the ASM because I joined too late to get sick of working my ass off. And for all I know, I could be the biggest empty promise to the club. I DON'T LIKE WHERE I AM, I REALLY DON'T AND IT WILL BE FOOLISH OF ME TO THINK I CAN GO ANYWHERE ELSE BUT I CAN'T, I'M STUCK, THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT ME THAT SOMEONE WOULD WANT ENOUGH TO PULL ME OUT OF THIS SHIT. I know more than ever that its time I put my beliefs, my happiness, my wants and fears, somewhere at the bottom of my priorities. Because I've done a lot of thinking and it seems that that's the only way I'll ever achieve anything in my final exams. Because I, as a person, am such a contrast to what my institution is. But I'm telling myself that if this goes well, then I'll at least give my parents a reason to be really happy, and all you shitheads out there who want to convince yourselves that Fawaz really isn't anything much, you will have a good reason to shut up. As much as I am anything else, I will never truly feel equal to everyone till I prove to myself that I'm as intelligent as them. Yes I remember what I said about proving something to oneself; I've lost confidence in some of the things I can do. My father said its not too late to work hard. If I screw up then I screw up, its my choice. I wish that was true but it isn't so its not an option. I know it seems like I'm wasting my time and I've got my priorities messed, but I've gotten at least half of it right. I need to do some of the things I think I can, lest I never get the chance again. Who knows, it may spell my future in some ways. Mak, Bapak, you'll probably never read this but I never ever want you to think that you're the cause of my misery of sorts. No, never. You're the cause of everything I've ever been happy about, and you're the reason why I'm still happy despite everything. You've given me so much, too much for me to ever pay back, everyone knows that. I want everyone to know that you've not wasted it all, that in the end I was worth it. And if I don't ever get to say this to you whenever I'm supposed to, let it be written here where it will never be lost: I love you, I love you, I love you. Nothing can ever change that and nothing in this world will make me happier than to see you happy. (It looks like I've kinda inherited your behaviour of not always showing love, Pak. Heh...) I swear, you won't have to wait donkey years before I make it big. I'm leaving this post here forever, for what it contains, and as a reminder. Fawaz would like to read this one day and smile. You're thoroughly convinced I've lost it, no? i'm not enough
Written on: Friday, April 17, 2009
Way to go to waste lotsa time, Fawaz. Mad World, may drive you mad but I sherrrrr hope nawt.Time: 10:45 PM And there's the other one I just did awhile ago; jeez Fawaz, where do you get all your time from, eh, wheeeere? Aite k whatever. Lady, if you got something to say just say it already, stop looking. Alright amma gonna try do summat useful now. Try. DO, OR DO NOT. THERE IS N- AAAAHHHHHHH!!!! PUNCHES FROM THE DARK SIDE THERE I- AAAAAHHHH!!!!! OK OK! YODA SHUT UP, WILL NOW! YO- OK!!! USING TOO MUCH FORCE YOU AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! OKOK! excuse me, are you a skaters?
Written on: Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I was thinking, about thinking; thinking of why you do things. For starters, you might wanna prove yourself or something, to someone; that someone could be yourself, or a third party.Time: 12:28 AM I figured its pointless to have to prove yourself to others if there are no serious consequences attached (like if you want a job or something then don't be a dick about it lah duh) because it means, maybe, that you need someone's approval before you consider what you've done, worthwhile. If you fail to impress that person, then you may label yourself a failure; all that person is watch you try and fail (he'll probably sneak out the back and laugh his ass off before returning with a straight face). Then could you do something just so you prove to yourself you're capable of doing it? I mean, really? Do you have to tell yourself what you can do? Why is it that, in our quest to find answers to life and our world, we do not even know ourselves. Its like operating a mining drill you've never seen before, you can't figure it out yet you're supposed to use it to obtain something valuable. What then do you do things for. The sake of it? Do you have a long term goal, and how do you keep to it. How do you wake up everyday and do the things you do, with only the reassuring thought that all this will, someday, form the stepping stones for you to reach the peak in your life: your greater purpose, the penultimate reason for your being. Even after brushing aside the stickiness of reality, the situation isn't very much easier digested. For me, at least. I for one cannot align myself to this life that many live; I wake up everyday unquestioning, thankful, yes, that with God's grace I am blessed with another day, yet I cannot soon wonder what my day will build to. Is this then a question of faith? Is it supposed to be this way; we do whatever's been imposed, or likewise, with unquestioning commitment, knowing that our path has been laid out. Or is this a sign that I must make a conscious decision and choice for my future, and act on it now. How then do I get out of the 'system'. I may well be wrong, but I'm convinced that we've all been ensnared, against our will, in a system crafted by those who are no longer in it, who may have taken a different path, but are ultimately in control; in control over our lives. They decide what we have to do, present us with the illusion of choice and edge us forward whenever necessary. I find that even though the option of leaving is there, looming in the distance, dropping out now could make things so much more troublesome than they already are. Its like procrastinating; you're stuck in your zone of comfort, turning away from responsibility that lurks somewhere. You could, of course, force yourself out of this blissful state and face your duties. I know how hard it can be to get out. Or, you could stay on Cloud 9 and waste the time away, till your ever-pressing duties scream so loud at you that they've got to be on life support; until, finally, they are written off. Yes, like debts. Wait long enough and everything will just disappear. I bet it can happen like that and though I find the idea of shrugging off responsibilities repulsive, I can't help but wonder how far we can slack off. Whatever, life's a game shut up stop whining and play it but don't forget to have fun. What was that all about? yaaaaaaaada
Written on: Sunday, April 12, 2009
This is gonna be another one of those times where I display a complete lack of shame and whatnot. Its so bad its almost vulgar.Time: 10:54 PM As always, keep your volume down, read the description, laugh now so you don't laugh at me in person. Come to think of it, that won't be too bad either hahahaha. (Its really pitchy at the start, but whatever. The word of the day was 'fun', I don't need to say anything else to defend the quality of my recording. HAHAHAHAHHA! AM I FUNNY OR WHAT!!! SOMETIMES I CRACK MYSELF UP!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!) I'll bring this up now cos Syafiq, Zul and myself had an argument of sorts about it a few days ago. It is such such an undeniable fact that a vaaaast majority of commuters look as though they've woken from the dead; or worse- are dying (well if you woke from the dead you'll be understandably shaken and tired, not to mention grappling with the prospects of a second life). Come on, what's so bad about travelling? More importantly, are some of these people really gonna die soon? That'd be so sad. Once more I slap myself for doing this when, earlier on, I had happily made such wonderful plans to study and get smart. Fawaz you're a pathetic little boy. Hit the gym more then you'll be a pathetic boy. 'Big''s still far away. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW DAAAAAAAMMMMNNNNNNN. ...
Written on: Friday, April 10, 2009
Time: 2:45 AM ...meh... ! ? . ok. yaaaaaawn, hmpf. this is gots to be the best waterr everr you're not a ninja shut up
Written on: Saturday, April 04, 2009
Time: 11:28 PM this will be in bits and pieces just like the cereal in my lunchbox. shit there's still some left in my bag wow blogging helps me remember WOW! domestic pets make bad liars. liar is wild in malay. lee-yar. kental people at the gym like to: pile on the weights at the bench, to train their spotter. sit down and talk loudly, not do anything, act pro. piss me off. I found out how to make Fauzan and Fahim shut up. I cannot bear to beat them up... though I end up doing so a lot. K ah not a lot but too much. By my standards. I nice boy. Shouting = no go. Complaining makes me a big baby. So I'll grit my teeth, and.... hug them. full body. and say stuff like "I like touching small boys" "I'm gonna touch you" "Yay small boy" I did it just now out of piss to the maxness and it worked. IT. WORKED! AND I'M NOT EVEN PEDO! HOW COOL IS THAT! It freaks them out to the max and the best part is, we end up laughing. But they don't know that I sneak to the toilet to throw up. I plan on waking up bigger and stronger and taller and smarter and more psychic tomorrow. Sleep well, stranger. |
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