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Running through
Written on: Monday, August 31, 2009
Once more when I was on the verge of smashing through countless walls, I resentfully sat quietly while spiting every one of them in my mind. Mourning their weakness and how the cower in the false, protective shell of fear. Ridiculed them for all they were not.Time: 1:23 AM And when that phase had passed and I sat happily facing them once more, I was overjoyed by their presence. Thankful for every moment I had with them, each second was bliss. Which is why I must do my best to protect them from the evil side of me, that shady being that passes dark murmurings. I will not succumb to its hate, nor will I entertain its vulgar arrogance. My family had a discussion about when we feel creative, and when we get ideas; the painful phenomena of trying to collect your brilliant thoughts as they slip through your mind like the water running down your body from a shower now past. Then we came to the conclusion that you're the most creative when you're at peace. This is what I say. You're most creative when taking a piss. That's when all the juices are flowing. So...anyone wanna drink ma piss? Enjoy this if you have the discipline; for that reason its not embedded. Hello, Sleep is a long-term commitment Labels: dark vehemency, famous words O'er the hills and too far away
Written on: Sunday, August 30, 2009
At this hour of the night Fauzan is sitting in front of the computer singing away all his Michael Jackson songs. And I gotta say, he's getting better at it. Starting to sound a lil like Mr Jackson if I might add. It runs in the family, see. At any time someone's singing, and then you have me talking to myself and my mom echoing our songs after some time. My dad occasionally breaks into song when he gets up to find something new to do.Time: 12:28 AM Another poem first! Written, uhm, during an econs lecture. WHICH I DID PAY ATTENTION TO OKAY! The words just came falling out I had to pen it. Its a little rough, and I almost used the word 'asunder' somewhere but wasn't quite sure of the meaning lol. So there may be mistakes around, it may not be perfect, but I'm leaving it that way. Its like a snapshot of that time, see? And as I keep writing, I can look back and laugh at my past self, start crying then retreat to my dark corner and grumble the day away. And don't even begin to question the name, I have no idea myself how it formed. Itsy Bitsy for the Many People I know, Falling like snow Beautiful at first Melt into nothingness Like trees in a forest Some stand tall among us While others reach out Extending through the crowd But one after the other, They start toppling in numbers And as they go down Pull so many others along And like the shape of this poem More fall under to join them And the new ones joining the top Those few, only waiting their turn to flop It looked a lot better written out, you can see the triangular shape. Oh well whatever, we'll leave the discussion for another day. And that day will be... YESTERDAY! HAH geedit geedit. Alright that's enough of this for one night. Hello, Complete connections to complement your corrections Labels: poems HUH?!
Written on: Friday, August 28, 2009
Penny Arcade changed their skin, WHAT?!Time: 11:45 PM HOW! WHY! TAK PUASA KE PER! So anywayyy, I was sharing with some people just now, my brilliant teachers' day idea. I bust into the staff room with a loudhailer and go: "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I'd like to wish all of you a happy teachers' day in advance! Ooh-ooh! Putcha hands in the ayer! *followed by extremely awkward silence and weird stares* Ok I think I should be going off now." Then I bust outta the staff room. OR I could just go for the simpler plan. Crash into the staff room and run through it yelling HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY at the top of my lungs, then run back out before white slips start appearing. Anyways, I was thinking. Yes again hahahhaha. I was thinking, how cool it would be if everyone was like spontaneous and fun-loving. In the train, we could break out in song! In a shopping mall we can suddenly pretend to wield super weapons and start running around all coolio ninja matrix robot fighter style. THE POSSIBILITIES! ARE! ENDLESSSS!!! A world full of me is a world full of glee. I wrote a poem I wanna share. I'll find it. Scan it. Morph it. Blog it. Hello, Will you be so kind as to pass me the sword Labels: ideas Four Minute Dots
Written on: Thursday, August 27, 2009
Time: 11:15 PM there's a video in this post
Written on: Sunday, August 23, 2009
It is not that the workers were working at night on a Saturday, nor that he chose to walk so far. Not even that there's a space after the second time 'Gatsby' is written. Is is that there are no Es in the whole. damn. paragraph. Furreal, check it out.Time: 12:42 AM I woke at 4-ish just now, got up and went to the toilet. Walked about a bit. Sempat discuss the workings of the human heart with Fauzan, and Fahim's banana cake in the oven, before falling asleep. Again, on Fahim's bed, though he was arguing against it. Then I awoke again around 6:45. Got up, showered, prayed, before you know it buka (PUASA WOOHOO! I LOVE PUASA! I LOVE RAMADHAN! RAMADHAN MUBARAK EVERYONE!!!), and off to the mosque. Day to night and night to day, I can't keep this up. I still wanna sleep now, funny eh. But I should so I'm not complaining. I look at myself in the mirror, after starting long enough I see my face going two ways. Either on magazines everywhere, in the headlines, on my website, and in everyone's mind. The kind of places a famous face will be, and for good reason. Or on one newspaper headline, cautioning everyone of this wanted man. Or the triumph of his arrest. I really can pull off the serial killer look. LOOK AT ME. The piercing eyes that hide so much, the perpetual frown, the everything. Let's look at Ted Bundy; what he was I am in some ways, and the rest, I can be. But nahhh, I'll pass. Serial killer life not for me. If I kill tons of people then everyone must know, otherwise I'll be some unknown. Letting everyone know but staying alive would mean being on the run or in hiding, and that's not nice. So strike out my name from your list of potentially dangerous people, will ya. Alright thanks. If ever I appear not to care, don't be upset. I guess I'm becoming more of that, but in a good way, because life would suck terribly if I gave two shits about everything and everyone. I can't help it if so many people wanna stress themselves out over many small things, I'm just not like that. And I'm very stubborn, I'll go against every convention and every hard rule, credit that to my ancestry I think my whole line's stubborn in some way. If you can't see my way then don't bother hanging with me cos I really won't bother tolerating you. Though I always do! Haha how's that for confusion. Ok let's drop this fruitless discussion, I didn't even intend to go anywhere with it. I can't begin to describe how I feel yet, so if you really somehow wanna know, read the book Brave New World and look at the chapter where Bernard Marx is having a discussion with his friend. I can't even bother finding the page now lol. And Fahrenheit 451, I feel very Clarisse. So am I reading books that somehow feel like me or do I find a lot of similarities in these characters by chance. Either way I feel on the verge of a great story, I just haven't found the time and the right words to start. And New Worlds I haven't finished; lotsa changes to make to it, lots more to add, not today not today not anytime soon I think. Video thanks to Zul, Syafiq for telling me to stop smiling hahahah I just couldn't take it I wanted to laugh my ass off. It was quite tiring, good exercise I should say. Of all the things I can say I'd like to highlight instead that Maskil's an idiot with cameras MUAHAHAHHAHAHA cool sia Hello, Never wake yet never die Labels: circle line, MB, sleeping patterns DANGER
Written on: Wednesday, August 19, 2009
PASSING NOTE. SOME CLASSICAL SONGS ARE NOT GOOD FOR THIS TIME OF THE NIGHT. ESPECIALLY WHEN THE TIME BETWEEN THE SOFT INTRO AND THE SUPER CRESCENDO LASTS LESS THAN HALF OF A QUARTER SECOND, AND THEY'RE VERY LIBERAL WITH THEIR CYMBALS'N'SUCH.Time: 2:36 AM Labels: notes Apparitions
Time: 12:51 AM
First I'd like you to know that Samantha started out with $30, and Sabrina, $50. I hope I'm right heh.You remember the quiet time, don't you? It is the time when the fountain of thought spouts questions and observations, wetting the pavement around thus inviting a growing crowd to watch the spectacle. The show of a mind on the verge of erupting forth with wonders unheard of, as hinted by the promising stutters. They've come to watch a parade, for they are in on it to. We are one body and we contribute to its growth. This is what happens during that period of floatation. My most recent log, I will share: Why does the boy squat by the sidewalk while talking on his phone, gesturing wildly? It is probably nothing, but like all man, there is an innate desire to be part of something serious, to draw attention towards oneself. Subconsciously then, our mind carelessly dances to the tune of the waiting ovation, and we get carried away. Why does the girl sit in such an uncomfortable position? Because she just wants to sit with her friends? Cannot afford to look uncool? What are the construction workers eating. What are they talking about. When was the last time I looked up at the moon. The sky is clear, I can't smell now. I hear the soft thud each step makes, picture the soles of my shoes slowly wearing off at the heels. My pants flutter with each stride, and I almost wish they were tapered. I'm too tired to observe anymore. Did you catch the progression? A rapid-fire of questions, falling around me like a torrential storm, but quickly easing into a light drizzle that feels good on the face. You don't usually walk out in it on purpose, but you don't mind it there. You taste it a bit then move on, and before you know it there is no rain. Is the sky bright and clear? Maybe. But the passing of the storm hints to a more substantial state, that of accepting what is and leaving the questions for when it is truly their time. I toyed with this next confession while walking out of school, and it was a really unpleasant experience. But I figured enough people know of it or suspect something, negating any reason I may have for holding back. Might as well hear it from me right? Don't listen to what others have to say, I'm yelling it in your face now. You might take it as a warning, though I'm clearly stepping hard on my feet by issuing that statement. Oh well I'm a blatantly honest pacifist, and sometimes foolishly do what I think is 'right', when it goes against some other person's better judgement (funny, I can distinguish myself from the common man, yet I'm not so inclined to say I'm different). I am a liar, a compulsive, in-your-face, honest eyes steady voice, disgusting, dirty liar. It pains me to admit that I lie a lot, so much that I need to constantly mentally slap myself. These lies aren't to harm people. Rather, to prove a point, sway an argument in my favour, prevent me from looking stupid, or worse still, they just come out... AND! I have the cheek to act like nothing happened. I wish you could hear my deep sigh and feel my anguish. Alas there is only so much words can do. These words that could well have easily tainted my reputation, are now struggling to explain my actions and and and whatever. Why did I even have to admit it, now I can't even go back to delete the paragraph. So please, the next time I abruptly tell you something was not true, just accept it and move on. You are all an important part of my recovery. Hahahah how did that sound I wonder. And one more thing, please don't ever mistake my mannerisms as weak attempts at humour or such. Though my natural actions may sometimes be funny, I don't always deliberately try and make people laugh. So the next time I do something you think was supposed to be funny, don't force yourself to laugh just to make me feel good. It does the exact opposite, for I always expect people to act like nothing happened. I guess its just me, the weird antics, accents, sounds, talking to myself and whatyouhave. If you no longer squeal in joy everytime you have an ice cream, I don't see why you have to keep laughing at- or with- me. Whatever it is. Whatever. So I looked at the clouds just now, and for more than a fleeting moment saw something I wished I hadn't seen but saw coming all along, so I looked back to the ground. Many people reading my mind I suppose? Enough to will a change in the, what, stratosphere? That what you call it? Then I asked myself what I was doing out so late, tried to answer, then asked the figment of a You what it was doing, why I was asking it and why I was looking out. It kept quiet but my thoughts kept probing, until with a tired hiss I gave up all attempts and asked the biggest question of all: Who are You?! Why do I think I know this You so well when I don't? Is it the sum of all the voices in me, all my personas and thoughts combined. Or mainly the cumulative being of my fantasies long held back in storage. Or what. What? So what, what is this young man doing up so late, why is he tapping away on his keyboard at this hour. He has things to do. He will do them. Hello, Please tell me I'm a good boy Solar Sleep
Written on: Monday, August 17, 2009
I won't go so far to say this is how I'm feeling now, but this extended chain of thoughts passed through my head just now, and I'd like to remember.Time: 11:24 PM The entrance to what makes me is like a funnel, and through it everything passes through. But now it seems that too much is being forced in too fast. Sometimes it appears that I see more than I should, question more than what is healthy, and have my face forced in front of problems many brush aside carelessly. Shall we take a peek, then? This occured to me while studying: If you're alright, you'll ask someone, 'What's wrong?' The thing is, the funnel is not overflowing; one can only assume there is a great Unknown beneath it, extending into the depths of me, that is continually expanding and making space for all the rushing Objects. While it hasn't crippled me or such, the whole process does seem exhausting and causes turbulence in the Emotion epicentre. I don't know what I want, feel restless and can't lay my finger on the cause of the unease. The funniest part of it all is that I have no intention to dwell upon this matter, however serious it may sound. Most importantly, when I feel overwhelmed, I am thankful that Allah is always there to lift the burden from my shoulders, and guide me along. He is All-Knowing, All-Powerful. But as I was turning the whole story about in my head (the long walk home sometimes provides much-needed Alone time), I unknowingly started defending my ideas against an unseen critic. I realized this happens a lot; sometimes I see someone getting scolded, and immediately I'm in his shoes fighting back, preparing for alternate scenarios. ANYWAY. The voice said that I was a madman for thinking like this. Madman? Maybe, but one at the start of his days. And brilliant ones, at that. Last sentence was inconsequential. More important matters are calling for my attention now, I cannot lose focus now, not yet, not ever. You, reader, sleep early tonight. Hello, We'll be messing with subliminal messages today Laptop plugged into charger
Written on: Saturday, August 15, 2009
Today some very bad news met me. I have lost bulk in my traps. I went home and looked at myself in the mirror, and I couldn't see anything much because I was too small. No traps. No biceps. No back. How to go hunting without my traps ah how how how how HOW WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME. We ALL know how inefficient nets and fires are, so why's this happening then?Time: 2:00 AM I told them that it would be a bad path to choose but they went along anyway. Not that I can blame them; it was a tough decision to make. But what can they do when everyone else just keeps quiet? Its like you try to start a war but nobody fights back. What's the point then! So now they're just waiting, kicking dirt around. No one's spoken, and no one knows what's gonna happen next. So. I got them new weapons and told them to blow up the nearest town and they did, so they kept destroying cities and killing people. No one said anything so they kept it up. At some points you may even think these people ask for it, but are happier when someone else gets punished first. At least someone else is hurt, so I'm fine, right? That's how they operate. So we flattened their lands and took their lives, till it was only us left. Then I killed them in their sleep, so now it's only me. I always said how I liked being alone, so now I'm happy. I've always been my best friend, so I've got to say, I'm in heaven. The oth- oh wait someone's at the door. INTGABEITSECU WHY. If you want something done right, do it yourself. Then again you can't if everyone wants to chip in, so you'll never get it right. Then if that happens to everyone, we'll have a new meaning for 'right'. Then that will keep changing and we'll always be happy. But in the end someone will upset the balance and we'll have to start over. I told myself studying is a reward in itself, cos I wanna get smarter. So am I smart? I have my thoughts, but what do you think. Do some of you treat me like a commodity, want me around only when I have something to give? Then when there's something better you casually walk off. But keep taking from me when you are in need. Do you? Well? No. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Pessimistic Voice. It has the uncanny ability to match reality with a warped alternate, that gives you the guilty pleasure of feeling pathetic. Be quiet and listen closely; can you identify that voice? Its usually a tad higher than your own voice, and sometimes it laughs at you when you expect real people to. I find it a delightful pleasure, fighting that personality, for it reacts. Then as it had tried to make me squirm in my skin, I laugh as it squirms in my mind, hurting more as I get stronger. I believe I've let my imagination run a little wild this time, so I'll stop. The mental imagery I've painted is not pleasant, so be glad you're only seeing the text of it. One last thing. I've made up my mind about everything. EVERYTHING. Therefore I proudly announce my decision to end this session here, and try to sleep. Its hard to sleep when you were dripping wet from so much perspiration. Then again I could bathe. Time check... Wtf. But I've made up another mind, so I'm good to go. Go back to your life, citizen, mine has already begun. Hello, Traps What did they call
Written on: Friday, August 14, 2009
Do you think its depressing how people work hard to pull everyone else down?Time: 12:34 AM I think seeing the word depressed is bad enough. Well don't be. Because we will change it all, step by step. I looked into the mirror, and the initial, deep and severe loathing was later replaced by a reading. I was reading our future, looking for everyone's part. You will be part of something great if you want to, all you have to do is take my hand. I offer you what few others can, but it is not because I am powerful. Allah is, and he has granted us the ability to do good. If I'm starting to sound like a psycho extremist brainwasher, then good, because that's how I imagined this post turning out. That means I have good vision. Foresight. Divination skillz. It also means I have temporarily lost my footing with reality, cos I can't remember what I mean to say here. Goodnight its late. Hello, Please say hello Crystal blemishes
Written on: Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The letters are appearing everywhere, too many places! Who's in charge here, will you please stop it from happening, you're driving me away from my mind. Maybe I'm a troubled mine but that only makes you a troubled friend, if you care. Please, mind the gap: why won't you leave me alone if that's what I want? I'm really happy like that, don't yank me in all directions the way you want yourself dragged around. I'd like to think I'm the luckiest person in the world with the loveliest family. Then again I want everyone else to feel the same way about themselves.Time: 12:50 AM What can you do to make his life better? Was it even worse to begin with, huh. I am the warmth that creeps through your skin, when you're hot or cold, it makes you feel better. I am the bitter drop of ink on your tongue when you reach for the sky but can't touch anything. Close your eyes and you'll know more, because seeing only contributes to the illusion. I was a cruising ship till I saw something, but I'm still cruising, and I still see it, giving me bearing. Berries on a winter morning to chase the rats away, for they've come for the papers you haven't signed. Why do you sit and wait when there's so much waiting to happen. I'll pull you up if you will only let go. We are all children and cannot run away from it, so let's just hold hands and prance around. Its never too early to be happy and it never ends. So the next time your sky is falling, hop under mine and we'll share. Hello, How do you read a voice I've go' a get meself the new one!
Written on: Sunday, August 09, 2009
Time: 2:29 AM Eh eh eh I realized that sleeping late causes me to lose track of time. Like I don't always realized its past midnight, and all the timings get mixed up and stuff. That was completely redundant, so now I will purge my soul of the crappiness I got myself in this afternoon. At four I was supposed to just pop by SunPlaza and meet my mom there (who had gone to get groceries earlier. From An Tuck. You know this place, alright), get some Zigs then vzoom back home. I had on a t-shirt at first but it was so blistering hot, enough to make me recall the phrase panas terik, that I put on a singlet instead. I don't usually do that when I go out but I was sweating barely a minute after putting on the shirt. JENG. JENG. JENGGGGGGGGGG. As with so many other 'short' outings, this dragged on; after getting the Zigs, turned out my uncle was dropping by. So he picked us up and guess what! Everyone's hungry so we should just go for lunch. Aha! Fish N Chicks! Cos Muma's not been there, its nearby, and we've only been there once but like the place (seriously, I like it there. I'll probably grow up and bring my cucus there one day, Ah this is where Atuk spent most of his bujang days. Wait, Atuk?!Since when are my grandchildren gonna call me Atuk?! Or will they...? :/) OK SO ANYWAY. I ended up eating there IN MY SINGLET. And berms. So. Apek. I had become what I disdained most; a sloppy shizzy junkamazoo who dresses like there just ain't enough clothes around, wherever he goes. Sigh. BUT! Mama had told me once that whatever happens, its the recovery that's most important. Like some famous actor can trip on his way up the steps to collect an award, but if he carries himself well and proud afterwards, people will remember him for that instead. So I tried to behave as normal as possible... knowing me the word normal is hardly apt, but we gotsta settle for something anyways, eh? Plus I have relli nais massels zat ver baljing aut af mai seenglet zat made it lukk smaal. Ok no nothing like that. I've shrunk *the kids* and that's a fact, so no bulging awesomeness today. Never was HEH. OR WAS THERE. AHA. CONFUSION MUCH. Anyways I'm sick of staying awake today I'll just scoot over to my bed and see what happens. Sleep? Yeah probably. OH YEAH NO SCHOOL TILL TUESDAY! (how does that suit you Ame, muahahahha). THAT MEANS I CAN MUG MY ASS OFF AT HOME! Shit damn noisy here alamakkkkkkk k nvm I've got solutions to every problem ciao Hello, We came knocking on your door once Take the first step
Written on: Saturday, August 08, 2009
This is what I'm gonna do. You may wanna try it out, might work for you too.Time: 1:34 AM I won't waste my energy trying to make everybody happy. My style is to not make people unhappy, but that doesn't mean I have to go around kissing everybody's ass. So I'm sorry if you don't like something I do for some dumb reason, get used to it. But you must know, I still make sure what I do doesn't harm anyone. I will question authority as long as it needs to, because you should know by now that I am not another copy of everybody else, and no one controls me. No. One. If you're a bitch of a leader, and you're dropping shit on all of us, I'll drive a wedge up your ass. That was excessively explicit, but interestingly so. NEXT. I do what I want, its my life, if you want something then do it for yourself. I know that some things a lot of people have done and failed at before, and so advice me to stay clear because they want to keep me safe from that hardship. Why? Being spoonfed takes the value away from everything; being able to pick out whatever you want when you go shopping, makes everything seem worthless. You don't work for it and its there, it doesn't mean anything. And because people failed doesn't mean I will. I'm not like you, remember. I will do what I like, and grow in every way I can and want to. No damn system will keep me imprisoned; sometimes, though, the best thing to do is to go with the flow. You can't go against everything, and you don't need to. So I'll be in harmony with everything, at the same time moving where I want to. To me, being a contributing member of society is a value I treasure. I live for myself, but I care for others and I don't let my actions eat into someone else's space or well-being. No 'maybe's and giving in to people so much. I don't like weakness and I won't be weak. If you're weak and you like it, then good. I don't wanna be in your boat when it sinks, so good luck on your journey. I will make others happy and I will be a good person. Nothing beats being good, and making people happy makes me happy, which means in the end, I've made myself happy. That doesn't mean making just yourself happy is enough; what kind of selfish bastard just thinks for himself the WHOLE TIME EH. Confusing much? Let it pass, move on. I WON'T DWELL ON SHIT. If something happens it happens, if I screwed up I screwed up. I'm aware of everything I need to be aware of and I've got my direction so I have to live for the now and not anything else. I will give respect though I expect little or none in return, and I will be humble. I've never liked proud people, and I don't like making people feel small. Everyone's good at something and we're all worth a lot, sometimes it just takes someone to MAKE you realize that before you exploit it yourself. I'm happy. I'm really really happy, and nothing's gonna get in my way. Risks are what makes life fun, so expect a lot of that if you're constantly around me. Don't think too much and just do, stop trying to act like a frackin' genius; people never got anything done by just thinking. And I'll never betray anyone, backstab, two-face, or whatever. You know that right. There's a lot going on in my head and I think I've finally figured everything out, and I see myself doing so many things. I just hope all of you, my family and my friends, or anyone for that matter, get to escape the debilitating traps that we as a society have placed around ourselves, and always work towards making everyone else's life shit. We can all exist in unison and without selfishness, and everything is within our reach. We must not let others drive us down, and we must work to lift everyone else. If you want to be great, you will be great if you work to it. For now its back to my current reality of A levels. But as a side note, I want to tell all of you that you must never doubt your ability to attain your desired results. All of you are smart as hell so use your intelligence as you see fit. I wouldn't be emo about anything if I were you, but you have the freedom to act your way. You do know, then, that no one ever got anything accomplished by screaming or crying; those are signs of weaknesses and you're not weak if you tell yourself so. And since we've got so little time left, push each other on and celebrate others' successes and progress. What I have learnt is that you can only learn something well when you like it; as my father told me, you can be good at anything you want to, you just have to lose the stubbornness and adapt. Don't take my word for anything, but give it a thought at least. Hello, I'd like to introduce you to yourself i've got some ink left
Written on: Sunday, August 02, 2009
Time: 5:37 PM So now there's a chance I might be playing or sleeping after school. No matter, I can't really blame anyone for thinking that. The important thing is he wasn't angry, but disappointed. I wouldn't have walked out alive if he had started scolding me, but he always surprises me. I'm disappointed too, and I can't let this go on. Believe me I've started doing what I can, and no, don't say there's no hope for prelims, I'll show you why. I'm the kind of guy who would like to live for himself, but can't. I'm also the kind who cannot let people down. There are too many people out there who are rooting for me, and believe in me for whatever reason. That's enough of a motivation for me. Exactly like what it says on the standby screen, that's how its gonna be like, I'll make it happen. But still, don't think too much about this because when I become one of the most influential men in history you'd all be glad you ever knew me, and so would I. Hello, Number forty-two, its your turn to be socially responsible, good luck |
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