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where'd all the cheese go?
Written on: Monday, March 30, 2009
its stake, not stick.Time: 11:28 PM air pee ter me, not air pee tome. corn, not econs. fizz, not physics. muacks or macks or max but never maths. That was a cover-up of sorts for what I really wanted to write about, which as on many occasions, I strongly discourage you from reading; I just wanna write it somewhere where I know at least someone will read, whoever that stranger may be. Yeah cos I wouldn't stop reading myself. Whatever it is, I beg of you not to get worried or whatever, and don't try to 'make me feel better' or anything, cos I really don't take well to empty words. If you truly care, I appreciate it but there's no need to express it. A lot of times I get the impression that: 1) some people are not happy with what I've become or where I've gone Somehow I sometimes get negative vibes from some people; it's as though they are concentrating so hard on their unhappiness towards something, that I can taste it without them mentioning it. As though they think I don't deserve what I've gotten, they think they're better, would have done a better job, or just think I'm incapable. I could be well wrong, over-sensitive and may have misinterpreted many things. 2) some others think of me so lowly blah blah blah Yeah I know I was a loser back in sec 1 and 2, I hate those years myself (hahahhaha in fact I laugh at myself). Well maybe not hate, its too strong a word; rather I'm not so proud of what and who I was back then. Without the intention of sounding egoistic, I must say I know I've changed a lot. Even if I am not the kinda person I wanna be, I sure have come a hell of a long way. But it just seems that some people still look at me as that loser I was, maybe I still am in some ways who knows (its kinda fun wondering heh), and they can't accept what I am now. It bugs me because, assuming I'm wrong again, I know I'm right in saying that I've gotta work on my self-esteem. I think I'm too insecure; but not without reason. Many people say, or even imply that I'm smart, or capable, or whatever. Thank you, every one of you, cos you may not know how these small things matter to me (wahh then maybe I'm also a very trivial person! Or give too much attention to details! Ah what the heck I don't really give a shit now heh), but sometimes it gets hard for me to convince myself that I really am. A lotta times I just can't help but feel dumb when I try my best to get something but just can't. I try, I really do, but sometimes I'm not even good at trying. Well the good part is that I'm not ready to give up. Hell I'll never give up cos that's what wusses (my word) do and I sure am not a wuss. I'm nuts. N-V-T-S NUTS. Still! That doesn't diminish the fact that I'm acutely lousy at some things but better at some others. Yeah we've all got our flaws, no one's perfect, blah blah blah, but I haven't come to terms with why things happen the way they are, and why I'm doing what I am. Its during these times when my confidence suddenly swells (ya lah idiot Confidence come and go as you please) and I'm sure as I can be that I will pull through and be a great person or something. Then I look at myself, where I am in my life, and suddenly I'm afraid that I'm not doing enough, or even the right thing, to get where I need to be. I've convinced myself that there will be a point in time where each one of us will have to put in a monumental amount of effort in doing something that lies on the verge of insanity, just to get that break and start our journey along the upward curve... thingy. I can't help but try to figure out what it is I have to do, because I'm unsure I can take the same route as everyone else. Put explicitly, I'm unsure if I can excel academically now, get to a good university, do something useful that I like, get out to the working world and start a good real life. At this point everything may sound very muddled, but that's how it goes through my head. Maybe that's why people sometimes have trouble adjusting to my frequency heh. Whatever it is, it's been playing in my mind for way too long, and I've been taking steps, but steps too small. I know I gotta do something, but how and what remain hidden in the fog. Then I disengage, look at everything I have and already am, and feel thankful for what He has given me. He has helped me out countless times, has brought joy to my darkest times, and has lifted the burden off my chest when I quiver under the collective weight of my problems. I have faith that He'll show me the right path, and that my efforts will not go to waste. I must never forget, and never let these thoughts trouble me as so. must must must. |
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