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therealshard
say: fawaz as complete as it gets
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convince myself of WHAT
Written on: Monday, April 27, 2009
The day I got my PSLE results, my father, who doesn't usually go to great lengths to express his love, actually hugged me. He hugged me and he was really happy, you could have seen that from miles away. The rest of my family too, they were all real proud of me.Time: 1:25 AM And there I was still stunned inside, for I never expected to do so well. In the early years of my school life I performed well, but my performance kinda dipped later, before I picked myself up, somehow, at PSLE. But that also meant that the next 6 years of my life had already been laid out in front of me. My sixth year will come to an end very soon, and it is a blatant fact that my academic performance thus far has been more than disappointing. Sometimes I tried, tried harder, tried my ass off, gave up or did just enough, but a lot of times I failed. It's pathetic, but sometimes a pass can bring a smile to my face. Yes you read that right, Fawaz doesn't see many passes on his papers. I've never tried excusing myself, but I know I've not always put in my best effort. How can I when so many things go against what I believe in or want? My parents have always wanted me to be happy, and never regret my decisions. I look back on my past now, and I don't regret anything. So my parents say if I'm happy, they're happy. I'm not that naive, you know it, but I love you for saying that anyway. How can my parents tell anyone they're proud of me, without risking getting insulted or something. They've got little to show; let's see what they can: I'm not short, a little muscular, and I speak relatively well. Oh and I can listen very well. I was the ASM of NCC in my secondary days, and I'm now the president of a club. So that's all, isn't it? No matter how many achievements of mine people can cite, nothing changes the fact that academically, my report papers are an embarrassment and should be burnt if possible. I know I did my best for most of my papers but do you know how guilty and stupid and embarrassed I felt when I had to show my parents my progress report? Because even trying your best isn't enough when everyone else is soaring a million times higher. When am I going to do something that my parents can talk about. They say they're proud of me, I know they are, but I feel that I'm of little worth. Just another shiny star maybe, nice to look at but useless. Yeah maybe I've inspired some, maybe I've helped others, indirectly or not, but I just can't shake the feeling that a lot of these successes were handed to me. I was made the ASM because I joined too late to get sick of working my ass off. And for all I know, I could be the biggest empty promise to the club. I DON'T LIKE WHERE I AM, I REALLY DON'T AND IT WILL BE FOOLISH OF ME TO THINK I CAN GO ANYWHERE ELSE BUT I CAN'T, I'M STUCK, THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT ME THAT SOMEONE WOULD WANT ENOUGH TO PULL ME OUT OF THIS SHIT. I know more than ever that its time I put my beliefs, my happiness, my wants and fears, somewhere at the bottom of my priorities. Because I've done a lot of thinking and it seems that that's the only way I'll ever achieve anything in my final exams. Because I, as a person, am such a contrast to what my institution is. But I'm telling myself that if this goes well, then I'll at least give my parents a reason to be really happy, and all you shitheads out there who want to convince yourselves that Fawaz really isn't anything much, you will have a good reason to shut up. As much as I am anything else, I will never truly feel equal to everyone till I prove to myself that I'm as intelligent as them. Yes I remember what I said about proving something to oneself; I've lost confidence in some of the things I can do. My father said its not too late to work hard. If I screw up then I screw up, its my choice. I wish that was true but it isn't so its not an option. I know it seems like I'm wasting my time and I've got my priorities messed, but I've gotten at least half of it right. I need to do some of the things I think I can, lest I never get the chance again. Who knows, it may spell my future in some ways. Mak, Bapak, you'll probably never read this but I never ever want you to think that you're the cause of my misery of sorts. No, never. You're the cause of everything I've ever been happy about, and you're the reason why I'm still happy despite everything. You've given me so much, too much for me to ever pay back, everyone knows that. I want everyone to know that you've not wasted it all, that in the end I was worth it. And if I don't ever get to say this to you whenever I'm supposed to, let it be written here where it will never be lost: I love you, I love you, I love you. Nothing can ever change that and nothing in this world will make me happier than to see you happy. (It looks like I've kinda inherited your behaviour of not always showing love, Pak. Heh...) I swear, you won't have to wait donkey years before I make it big. I'm leaving this post here forever, for what it contains, and as a reminder. Fawaz would like to read this one day and smile. You're thoroughly convinced I've lost it, no? |
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