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therealshard
say: fawaz as complete as it gets
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kablam
Written on: Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I realized something at math just now.Time: 1:20 AM Permutation. Per mutation. Sialah (Yeah Syafiq you were right about it appearing here hahaha) And I have to share this interesting story of how I hurt myself sleeping. See I was on the couch, and midsleep I decided I wanted to prop my legs and kinda curl them. But they kept sliding across the sofa, so I stuffed my left foot into the space between the two seat cushions, leaned my right foot against it, and comfortably fell back to slumber. I think it was three hours later that I awoke, and frickin' ass did my ankle hurt like crazy. Come on ah I had to wear an ankle guard at home cos I SLEPT. I'm happy that I've been hitting the gym again. I've gotta hit more, hit harder. Awhile back I was thinking, about how I perceive problems and such. And over the past days, maybe especially today, I realize (again) that I'm very blessed. Blessed with a loving family, fully functional body, supportive friends, and most of all a damn nice body HAH ok sorry. Ya Allah, thank you for blessing me with so much love, I am truly grateful; the more I think of how lucky I am, the more I realize how undeserving I've behaved on many occasions. And like some other posts, this one will stay here as a reminder. To keep me in check when I find myself questioning too many things. I'm going through a very tough phase in my life. I've never felt this low and worthless before, and everywhere I look I see people sneering at me. Even the iron plates have been extra unforgiving; I can't bear the burdens I used to carry with me. I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder who's looking back! I read the previous sentences and think to myself how much more dramatic this can be! I look at the length of this paragraph and I think its enough bullshit! I wanna laugh but uh I kinda realized this isn't very funny... though its been a complete load of fiction hahahah. I'm sorry I just had ideas and they escaped me. Ok now the real thing. They told me that I had to do it, because I was the older brother. Who was my older brother then? Who was I supposed to turn to? Then it hit me; I didn't need anyone like that, and I already had all the support I needed. If I am meant to be the pillar of strength, then so be it. A kickass pillar I will be. Am I strong? You bet I am. Am I ever fazed by life's challenges? More often than you think. Here's where I'm doubtful. Is it my choice to be strong, or have I been blessed with this strength? I think about thinking, and I will say here that I am never inclined to pity anyone. I always see myself in their shoes, not wanting pity, doing fine with whatever I have. I believe we can be strong no matter what kinda mess we're in; and so I dangerously tread the border to arrogance. But I'll choose to believe that I've been blessed with strength. That puts me in a humbling position, gives me all the more reason to be patient and understanding. Not everyone is made equal, and it is up to us to help those who lack what we don't. I still won't pity though; pity is pathetic, it just scrapes deeper the pit of sorrow you're in. You may feel some warmth as it lingers around you, but you're ultimately left more alone and in deeper darkness. Still. We always have a choice as to what we want to be. I look at my problems and realize how small they are compared to many people; some of whom live in this household. So whatever challenges block my way I'll smash through. Whatever I'm supposed to do I'll do. Whenever I'm hungry I'll eat. You bet I will, I've been eating nonstop for the past few days and believe me its been working strange wonders. I really should get to bed now, the coffee-placebo (I drink coffee :( I so dowanna grow up. NEVAH! I WILL NEVER GROW UP!) effect is wearing off and I should've blacked out a looong time ago. Compensating for lost hours of slumber across the weekend is never a good idea; that is all the wisdom I can offer you hahahaha |
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