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therealshard
say: fawaz as complete as it gets
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my NECK
Written on: Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Time: 2:10 AM I went to bed at four something last night; well not really my bed, I decided to huddle up at the door of my study room, with my legs spilling over to the space between my, and my parents' room. I decided that sleeping at the space in front of either room would have been really nice but inconsiderate to almost everyone who would need to walk about early in the morning. Though I remember reasoning to myself that if I slept somewhere strange, it'd be easier for me to wake up for Subuh once someone trampled over me. I woke up a lot in my sleep, and huddled and curled in different shapes before finally leaping up with a panic when my Muma (grandmother, for the uninitiated) told me it 'AY! Gonna be Asar already!'. My neck was sore from all the twisting and my head was really, really ngeh. I really can't bring myself to describe how I felt, its just so ngeh. Anyway, the rest of my post is in a different font, you'll find out later... if you're sharp enough. What follows is a rather extensive log of the metaphysical adventures my soul embarked upon while it was supposed to leave my body to rest; neither did what they were supposed to, resulting in a rather curious and long tale I am compelled to share. Be warned though, it is extremely long and very tedious to read, you might just end up pissing yourself off. With those wards I humbly invite you to take a short trip with me:
I was in a brightly lit mosque, similar in part to An-Nahdhah, for the Friday prayers. At Azan walked over to front, saw Hakiim and a bunch of other juniors. I salamed everyone and wanted to salam but he smiled at me then turned and kept walking. So I playfully chased him to the door, nearly pushing him hard into hit, but he turned around and salamed me. Then we walked to the front still smiling, and saw Ustaz Mateen not too far away. He waved at me, I waved back. In my mind, I was like ‘Shit, he must’ve seen me running around like an idiot,’ but I kept smiling and played it cool. I appeared in a corner of the school, I knew I had been here before again. I also knew that I would keep replaying this part of someone's, or my life, which meant I could experiment with what could happen. Someone was making this happen, but that's all I was aware of. So I went into the class, where the teacher greatly resembled the astrology lecturer from Transformers. Maybe it was him. It was forensic stuff he was teaching, CSI kinda thing. He stood at one end of the class, and there was what seemed to be a corpse laid in front of him, covered in a sheet. There were few students and we were standing opposite him. He spoke loudly, and only said a bit. At the end of that very brief lesson (that somehow felt complete) I knew I had previously told him off and walked out, and I felt that I should do the same; at the same time I wanted to try something else. It felt like an exciting risk to me. So I said I enjoyed his lecture, it was a good one. He thanked me, I said ‘Looking forward to your next class,’ at the door, he said looking forward too, and I went out. I think the whole place was supposed to flash white and restart, but it didn't, so I ran to a wall to count the markings or something. I started to panic, and ran to someplace that looks like the stadium steps. There I found the lines, and I tried to count them, but it got kinda hard so I had to trace them with my fingers. ||||||||, lines like that. As I was counting, this girl whom I think I recognized from somewhere, sat down on the step to my left and asked me what I was doing. Mind you she was really pretty, and I remember being momentarily stunned, staring at her face. But I went back to my lines anyway. Then I said I know it looks crazy but I'm not; she insisted I was crazy. I tried to explain but ended up argh-ing, then suddenly she looked pale and said she had a fever, then she fell back. I touched her forehead but didn't feel a temperature, but I knew something was wrong. (This is like what happened in Dracula, which I was reading awhile before bed. His victims grew paler and weaker, with no signs of any known illness). I immediately ran down to the foot of the stadium and was about to run off somewhere when this crazy girl appeared behind me, apparently running from somewhere else, screaming. I also noticed it was a really bright day, and the gate I was about to push through looked like those at the public stadiums. There were other girls around trying to stop her, she was crazy. I wanted to turn and run but I thought I had to do something to help. So I rushed to the yelling girl and grabbed her by her hands. She was screaming ‘Shaitan! Shaitan!’ and at that moment, for some reason, I thought to myself that she must be a real good actress to have said those lines, as if they were taboo. Like all of a sudden I thought this was a movie; but just as suddenly as that happened, it became my ‘reality’ once more. Someone shouted for me to throw her over the railing, I think we were a few floors up. I pushed her to the parapet and some other people grabbed her and we shoved her over. She fell, but landed on one of the sticking out shelter things a few floors down, in a sitting position. We all gasped, thinking she would survive and climb back up or something. But her body slowly tilted and soon she fell off again, landing on the ground. She started rolling extremely fast in either direction, her arms and legs stiff. She was moving at inhuman speeds but I didn’t really think much of it, I just wanted to look away from the sick scene. I was somewhere else, surrounded by mats, that’s all I can remember. I was outside the parapet, balancing, while talking to them. Then later, I was inside all of a sudden, and Syafiq, Hijazi and Maskil, along with a few others, were there too. I was shocked when I saw Syafiq, thinking he might fall as he ventured too far out. Then I looked over and saw that where he was standing, there was still roof from the previous floor beneath him. It is only if he moved more to my right that he’d be standing above a void. Then I noticed Hijazi standing behind Maskil, positioned very dangerously, standing on nothing if I remember. So I asked Maskil and Syafiq to shift to the left to make way for Hijazi. But somehow Maskil’s movements caused Hijazi to lose balance and for a moment we thought he was going to fall off. I reached out to him but he was too far; another hand had pinched his shirt and was pulling, I moved closer and tried to grab his shirt, only pinching it too. He was wearing what felt like our secondary school polo shirt. But the two of us managed to pull him over the railing and he was safe. I was somewhere else, just returning from someplace, with a bunch of Chinese guys. Amongst them was Marcus, my ex-classmate and some other people I think I recognize. We were headed back to our room or something, to collect our stuff before we left. I followed them back but started panicking when I couldn’t find my stuff. I was sure it was in this room, and started wondering where I could have left them instead. Then I went on the ground and searched amongst the shoes, found mine somewhere, and my bag close by. I picked up my shoes and marvelled at how much they had worn. The white Kappa canvas shoes I really own, were very worn at the heels and the surrounding area, revealing what looked like a web-like rubbery frame inside. Something to that effect, at least. Marcus said something and we all laughed, then I left the group. I reached another room, large and mostly empty, maybe a few planks lying and leaning about here and there. There was someone sitting on the floor, eating I think. Was a mat, I can’t remember who. At first he looked like one of my juniors, I can’t remember his name, but his face kept changing the way faces do in dreams. He was talking to me about his toast, and showed me how he lined the corners with something like thin strips of duct tape so the two slices of bread would stick. I found the idea incredulous and ridiculed it to someone else who had walked in. I then took out my toast to try and explain to him something, but then I wondered if my Mom had done the same thing. To my horror she had, and so I told my friend that it just meant we had to avoid the tape-sides of my toast. All along I kept looking behind my back, expecting someone to turn up. I was also inexplicably afraid of this appearance, though I can’t remember much of it. Then I found myself with the rest of my class, inside a 7-11, queuing to pay. I was near the back, beside an ice-cream container. Angie pointed to one of the cones and told me I should get that, I remember asking her why and she went into a short but thorough explanation, and I ended up thinking. Then my thoughts just drifted and I started looking around the shop. I was somewhere else again. This time walking from a different area, lit by many yellow lights, to the ground level of Block H. Arif and some other people were with me, and we were heading for Cikgu Saripah who was standing near the staircase. As we drew close, Am, Akaash and Mateusz passed by, apparently heading for another lesson. I wanted to ask them where, they didn’t hear me. I think Mateusz turned around but Arif told me to sit down, we were at the right place. Cikgu drew up a chair and explained to us how she was upset that the school had allocated her this location for our Malay lesson, but we would work with what was give. To her right was a whiteboard, and she gestured to it occasionally. I remember looking quizzically at Arif, who was to my right, but he just shrugged and my thoughts wandered off again. I looked around to the left and saw in the distance some people walking off to a bus, which would take that group to their last match or something. They sure had a lotta bags to carry. And all of a sudden I was at a corridor, that looked a lot like my old house at Khatib. In fact I used to see this corridor a lot in my dreams when I was younger; sometimes I ran fullspeed to avoid some faceless horror, sometimes I ran up the stairs and into houses, jumped to nearby blocks, crept through vents, and vaulted a few floors down. Whatever I did, the feel I got from standing at that place was always the same. My heart would always feel heavy, because a certain fear was catching up, yet I knew I was free to do anything I imagined. And the place always looks so real, so familiar, I wish it really did exist. Its like trying to hold on to an old, closely-held memory, that’s threatening to slip away. My brothers were around me and we were laughing about something, while waiting to go into someone’s house or something. Then from the far end, Am appeared, after her match (?), but in her secondary school uniform (??). I asked her how her match was but she asked me something else instead, and I can’t remember what I answered but she smiled and kept walking. Then all of a sudden the corridor had an extension, and Akaash was sitting by a corner drinking something, dressed in what he wore on my first LAN outing with the guys. I looked upstairs and noticed it was quite dark, my neighbour had a LOT of plants, they were creeping everywhere. Someone else was supposed to come, and I was getting frustrated. Oh God now it seems like I’ve forgotten the rest of it, yet I’m half-sure I’ve gotten it all down. When I woke up at FOUR O CLOCK just now it seemed like a LOT had happened, and I was so eager to write everything down. I had been going through my dream a few times, checking that I hadn’t forgotten, and only reluctantly decided to quickly jot down the main points in a word document; then I started writing everything in detail, so I kept going. I hate this feeling, clawing at something you know is there yet isn’t anywhere to be found. At the same time you can feel it drifting away, sinking deeper into the depths of your mind, yet you can’t reach out to it. You’re screaming but there’s no sound, no one notices you struggling, no one sees that huge island sinking. This is the feeling I sometimes get when I wake up from a brilliant dream, that sometimes puts in my head the most amazing ideas, only to have everything seep through a gaping hole somewhere in my mind. Then everything is gone, and all I know is I had a great idea; I can’t prove anything to anyone, I am the only one who’s been fooled, the sole victim of an elaborate ploy out to get ME alone.
Hello, I am scared
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