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say: fawaz as complete as it gets
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To myfinity and be gone
Written on: Monday, November 09, 2009
This will make for unpleasant heavy reading, some side effects possible. Negative, maybe, but I'm not feeling those vibes. But on with it already.Time: 3:42 PM I'm sitting here staring at my paper, then getting back to typing this. I can't help but wonder if the invigilators can't see what I'm doing, or have chosen to let it pass. I did tell them something, but I didn't think it'd work this well. Either way I'm gonna keep saying what I want said, and we'll see what happens from there. Maybe someone'll tell me to stop dreaming and get back to reality. So, do you know what the reality is. The real situation I'm in, or not pretending to be in. Have I spun enough of a web to catch you somewhere? Gee this is very exciting. Now the real stories begin. HWAAAAALAOOOOOOOOOO. Heart pain to the maksimum. Yesterday Fauzan told me bluntly that I look like a skinny girl. SKINNY isn't enough, he had to say GIRL. I was shocked beyond words for awhile, I took off my shirt and went 'THIS?! YOU CALL THIS SKINNY?!' All he could say was yah you have a skinny build, you don't look big. I went to Fahim who was obviously not paying attention to what was going on in the hall, cos he was absorbed in his game (I think. Maybe he's got a super radar too araknow), and he said ya you're skinny. WHAT. WHAT? WHAT?! The worst part of it is that I was terribly affected by what they said, Fauzan even had the cheek to tell me I WASN'T EATING ENOUGH. They always think I'm on some weird diet, everything I do is strange and a subject of some mockery, and at the end of the day, I still have my insecurities to catch me when I fall. So thanks, for making me fell SO GOOD about myself. I can't help it you know, I try really hard but its just my nature. What people say about me really REALLY matters, and what people don't say or imply matters just as much. I hate it but it hasn't gone away. Just gotta live with it I guess, and keep pretending I'm fine/not fine like I've done for so long, that I can do so well. Bravo Fawaz hahahhahaha. Here I am trying to be a good boy. I try to keep the house clean, I keep things where they should be, dust here, whatever there. I go to school and I sit down and STUDY. Sometimes I really can't take it but I force myself to do it, to practice harder and to remember everything. I'm exhausted, holding back so much, blah blah blah, and so many people can easily cast so much of doubt on me. Ladies and gentlemen I present you with the new 'three hardest words to say', 'I trust you'. Now seriously. I gotta say this, please let me say this, I'm sorry and I'll get mad at myself later, and whoever can say whatever LATER. But what the F*** does everyone think I'm doing in school? Seriously, wtf? What's 'I don't know' or whatever. I'm not a fking stupid child, I know what I've got to do. This all fits in nicely with my thoughts about people. I believe people are intrinsically good, maybe simple, but we are what we are now because of other people. Sometimes good people are pulled in the wrong direction, or weighted down, because of other bad people. The worse case is if they're family, because then you can't break the bonds that tie you to something you'd rather not talk about. Think about it, and maybe you'll agree with me on this. In our society, we have so diligently built walls and set traps around ourselves, and parents lovingly cuff and shackle their children, cutting branches from the tree of their future. They streamline you to the path they were forced into, utterly convinced that everywhere else is a black hole. There exist 'anomalies', of course, people who do not fit this description. I can bravely say that these are people who are truly happy, and who live not just exist. I need to quantify this, and I'll work on my ideas more once I'm out of school. School, haha, not so much an exploration of vast knowledge rather a training camp to meet someone's expectations. Then they give you the boot and that's it. I've said some of that before. And this, to some people: to me, something I do can be pathetic to everyone, but if my mother says its good, I feel a lot better. And it doesn't matter if the whole world likes something I do, because if my mother doesn't, I'm crushed. Everything will mean nothing. That's why I get very sad when some people say some things. Whatever it is you don't have to worry about a thing Mak, I love you very much and I promise I'll take care of everyone. No one will have to worry about anything as long as I'm around, and you can count on me to get everything done. Wait and see. Someone said in school just now that they care about me, and I forgot to say thanks. I was pretty stunned, to be honest, but this is what ran through my mind: you don't know how much I'd do for all of you, in a heartbeat. Really, I'll be there for you just the same. I was thinking some more about my hypothesis, that you can tell a lot about a person from their face. I narrowed it down a bit to several distinguishable features: the eyes, mouth and head shape. I noted that people have different ways of listening to others. Some frown slightly, as I sometimes do, some listen with wide eyes. I also observed that the eyes either focus or appear to stare blank. I think this shows how the person is responding. Picturing everything you're saying, trying to feel how you felt, or trying to make sense out of it. I also think it has got to do with personality. Its very messy now, I need to work on it later. But more importantly, its when you're not talking to a person. If I'm right, people with a relatively high mental capacity usually have alert eyes, that are sharp, or have a certain look when the person's dreaming. It appears that how someone perceives the world (primarily through sight) reflects the amount of activity in his brain. Less intelligent people tend to have an empty stare, rarely focusing on anything, always looking vacant. The dreamy face of that kind of person could probably resemble someone almost dozing off, more than daydreaming. The zoning out often associated with the 'nothing box' is in fact a period where thoughts fly freely and uncontrolled, where the mind can easily pursue what it feels. Rarely is it truly empty. Enough for now. Maintain, my friends. You'll do as well as you think you can, think and feel smart, you'll be smart. Hello, Speaker beats per minute Labels: hangar, ideas, no ligaments, thoughts |
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